This morning I yelled at my son. I mean, I really yelled at him.
My typical eight year-old wouldn’t change from shorts to pants, even though it was cold outside. I stood close to him and roared, “Aaaaahhhhhhhh!” right in his face. ”You’re driving me crazy. Go upstairs now,” I yelled. He stood motionless for a second and looked at me a little shocked. After a moment, he adjusted himself and stood still. He said in a zen way, “I am not motivated by anger.”
I said, a little less angrily, “Go upstairs now.” My son stood in his place, looked into my eyes, and said again, “I am not motivated by anger.” I took a breathe and said more calmly, “Please go upstairs now.” He went upstairs and changed into pants.
As soon as he was gone, I smiled and was so entertained by how he had handled my anger. A few minutes later, we ate breakfast while having a warm and friendly conversation. Oscar said he didn’t like that I was using anger to try to motivate him. I explained that I don’t like how it feels either to be mean to him. “However,” I added, “anger does work sometimes to get you to do stuff.” Oscar disagreed and said it doesn’t work. So we agreed to do an experiment this week. I said, I would do my best to ask my son to do things in a nice way. We agreed that I’ll keep track of how often he does what I ask him to do, when I ask him in a nice way, and not in an angry voice.
I know so much more about parenting well because Cal is autistic. I’ve found the best experts to help me with Cal, and as a side effect, my typical son has experienced awesome parenting. He has also had the most well-trained fun babysitters on the planet. (Everyone who plays with my autistic son, plays with my typical son.) So my eight year-old is able to express himself and communicate with me about emotions in a profound way. I learn so much from him! I would have been a good parent anyway, even if Cal wasn’t autistic. But I would not have known things like how to teach my kids about whether they want to use anger to motivate people.
I feel like I know stuff. I don’t mean that in an arrogant way. I feel confident and blessed. I often know what to do. I’ve learned so much about parenting. Because of Cal, I have access to really smart practical people who have helped me raise my sons.
you have helped create an eight year old guru
I love that kid!
awesome! i am so impressed by Oscar’s mature response. I think I may try your experiment. Even if it fails, i have a feeling it will yield some interesting results.
Awesome story. What an amazing son you have! How many adults would even think to say that they are not motivated by anger? We can all learn something from him!