I did something weird after a party last night.
I was getting ready for bed. My husband and I were recapping a party we had just attended. I mentioned two people I had chatted with at the party, and my husband said, “They clearly don’t like you.”
I knew they didn’t like me. It was obvious by how they acted. What was unusual, was, that I was OK that people didn’t like me. I wasn’t upset. Normally, I would obsess about how it was my fault or how I could make them like me. Last night, I just accepted it. I actually felt peaceful, about the fact, that people didn’t like me.
This is what happened before the party:
I have read that you should always bring something when you visit someone’s home. It can be a gift or good wishes. Before the party, I decided to meditate to bring good wishes to the people at the party. I dug out, from my desk drawer, a crumpled and well-used zeroxed-copy from Deepok Chopra’s book, “Synchrodestiny”. It has one of the ancient Indian Sutras, “San Kalpa” with several English mantras like:
“Imagine that your intention can heal those who are not well.”
“Imagine that you can bring success to those who are failing.”
“Imagine that you can bring hope to those who are feeling helpless.”
So, I sat on my couch with my piece of paper and imagined all the people that would be at the party in relation to the Sutras. As I imagined helping my community and friends, my mind drifted to myself.
I imagined healing myself who was not well. I imagined bringing success to myself who was failing. I imagined bringing hope to myself who was feeling helpless.
I could feel myself changing. I felt my eyes water. When I went to the bathroom, to blow my nose, I realized something important.
Yesterday afternoon, I had tried writing this blog but was having trouble. The problem was, the title of this website is “Autism is Cool.” For the past several weeks, I didn’t believe autism was cool. I was mad at autism and wanted the fucking journey over already.
For several weeks, I’ve wanted to be the kind of person, who is grateful, hopeful, and loving. What I actually felt was — bitter, angry and hopeless. In the bathroom, after meditating, I started to accept the way I felt. As opposed to wishing I were a strong, confident and inspiring leader, I decided it was OK that I was acting and feeling depressed, hopeless and uninspiring. How I was feeling, no matter how unattractive, was perfect. My bitterness about other people’s success — perfect. My sad, lonely feelings during the day with my son — perfect. My anger towards the people who I pay to play with my son — perfect.
I felt such peace last night. I began to accept and love all the “ugly” things about me. After the party, I was peaceful about the fact that there are people who don’t like me. I was able to do this, because I’m liking the parts of myself that are the most “unlikable”.
Today, I no longer feel bitter and hopeless. By accepting and loving my “unattractive” feelings, they went away. What I did last night and today, is the foundation of what experts for years have been telling me to do to help my son recover from autism. Dr. Stanley Greenspan talks about the importance of helping children become comfortable in expressing ALL of their emotions(happiness, anger, sadness, excitement). The Son-rise program we do with our son, is based on the concept of accepting and loving our son for who is right now, as the most effective way to help him.
I’m not sure exactly what will end up being the thing that helps cure my son. However, I know that right now, it feels really amazing, to not judge myself for feeling crappy. It feels like taking a warm relaxing bath with God.
Thank you for posting, I’ve missed your blog posts as much as I miss you and your wonderful family. I really loved our self made spa days. Tough Art Saves.
LOVE YOU
As always, I’m struck by your beautiful writing and profound thinking. I’m also struck by how many people in your life are telling you how to behave and feel, and how wonderful it is that you have taken what works for you and formed it to fit your life. The word “cure” is a big and final word, and it seems that the true journey is to celebrate growth when it’s there, those of course are the special days! The rest is just life, and you’re handling it with amazing grace.
great post. wish i was as secure and accepting of all my ugly feelings. it’s a great lesson in keeping everything in perspective. glad to see the blog back too!!!!
I love you, Penya.
This is all so amazing and so moving… and inspiring. I am working on so many of these issues and making similar discoveries about love and fear. you write about it all so beautifully and so honestly that it really takes my breath away. Love, Debbie
I missed your blog and was pleased to see you had written again. I remember when D had more steps backwards than forwards and how draining and disheartening that was. Even now he has challenges and the road is often bumpy. I remember days that felt so dark where I held it together most of the time but sobbed during my entire 10 minute daily shower. Hang in. You have my support. Unless you have lived it it’s hard to fully understand how hard the road you are traveling is.
This was an amazing post. Thank you for being so honest. You are an inspiration and an amazing person. Your “ugliness” is righteous.
I love your “unattractive” feelings too