It started out good. I decided to try being authentic (see last post, “Cheese and Authenticity”). I thought authenticity would help me have better health, more energy, and more intimate and safer relationships.
First, I told someone something I had been holding back and they were very nice about it.
Second, I told someone else something I hadn’t said that I was thinking. That person was neutral about my authenticity. I felt good and happy letting it out.
Then, I decided to show someone a potential blog post where I talked honestly about them. They were really angry and threatened to end our relationship. I was really depressed after that and decided authenticity is not fun.
Then, I realized that I have inner strength — that I’d be OK even if people were mad at me. So, I tried being authentic again. The other day, someone said they were fat and I agreed with them. The person got very upset and said, “You think I’m fat?” It was really hard for me to see them so upset. Even though I believe they are fat, I felt horrible for calling them fat.
The whole thing about authenticity is, it only works if I’m OK, even if people get upset or are angry with me. I don’t know if I have the stomach for true authenticity. Maybe someday. Now, I’m doing authenticity half-assed. I’m happy being authentic only if people react well.
Maybe someday I’ll be more comfortable being authentic. I’m learning to be OK with the fact that I’m not willing to commit to being authentic. And I’m having fun being able to have perspective and observe myself. It’s fun experimenting. Having this awareness, sort of outside of myself, makes me feel lighter.