I was lying on the table while Julia rubbed unscented oil all over my naked body. The phrase, “The Art of Suicide” appeared in my head. I thought it would be a good title for my blog but I didn’t know what to write after it. As the massage therapist rubbed me, I said to Schlomo,(not out loud), “Schlomo, what is the art of suicide?” Schlomo is my friend who recently killed himself. You can see his Yale Law School commencement speech to his class on YouTube. It was a great speech — funny, smart, self-deprecating. He beautifully made fun of the impotency of the American legal community.
As Julia rubbed unscented oil on my naked body, I had the following conversation with my friend, after he killed himself.
ME: Schlomo, What is the art of suicide?
SCHLOMO: The art of suicide is to know that it’s not wrong to kill yourself. I know that now that I’m dead. If I had known this before I died, I wouldn’t have killed myself because I wouldn’t have been so ashamed and I would have talked about it.
ME: OK Schlomo, but what does this have to do with me?
SCHLOMO: You are worried that when you go home, everyone will quit.
(Note: I have a team of people who play with my autistic son at our house. I train them and pay them to help my son grow. At the time of this conversation with Schlomo, I was on vacation. For several years up to that point, every time I went out of town, someone would quit. Usually, I would be having a relaxing time somewhere beautiful, I’d check my email, and one of my emails would be someone who plays with my son quitting.)
Schlomo continued, “You’re scared that everyone will quit and you’ll have no one to take care of your son and you’ll get really depressed and kill yourself. So, now you know, if you get really depressed and kill yourself, that would be OK. It’s obvious when you are dead that suicide isn’t right or wrong, it just is–like anything else. We all know that up here. So, you won’t be so afraid if everybody quits and you won’t be so tense. You can relax around them and then they’ll be freer and more creative with your kid and he’ll recover faster. It’s not wrong if you wanted to kill yourself, even if you did it. It’s fine.”
I cried on the table and asked Julia for a tissue.
Not judging suicide has really helped me be a better manager. I came home being lighter, freer, clearer and much more effective with my team. My son is flying! Thank you, Schlomo.
(2nd Note: If you’re freaking out now and thinking, “No! If you say suicide isn’t wrong, everyone will go and kill themselves, including you.” I believe it’s the opposite. When I don’t judge killing myself as wrong, I’m less likely to kill myself. When I’m not judging myself, I make clearer and more conscious choices and I’m happier. So, if I have suicidal thoughts and I don’t judge that, I can notice it and choose to let it go. I can choose not to do something, without thinking it’s wrong. I don’t want to go to Canada, but I don’t think it’s wrong to go to Canada.)
Comment by Eric — February 14, 2011 @ 11:29 am
The problem with suicide is the people left behind. The person’s suffering is over but the suffering of their friends and family is intense. I can’t begin to understand the challenges you and Eric have every day but know that there are always people willing to listen and to try to lessen your load. Wish your friend had known that and reached out.
Comment by Janet — February 14, 2011 @ 12:25 pm
All deaths take the largest toll on those left behind.
I suppose if Schlomo had been polite enough to write a very detailed, easily comprehended, nonfinger-pointing farewell letter that explained everything in a neat little box using a polite font, well, I think more people might have been able to find a comfort zone for themselves, assuage personal guilt and personal fear, grieve for Schlomo and for themselves and then get back to the business of living.
But if Schlomo had been able to write that letter, or had had that conversation, chances are he would still be here on earth with us, fumbling and bumbling forward with the rest of us.
Suicide, cancer, fatal accidents, drug or alcohol addiction, Alziehmer’s — whether the exit strategy is acceptable or not does not change the most upsetting element of losing someone talented and loved to death.
To me, the most upsetting aspect of death is DEATH.
Death is inevitable, like it or not it is the end-game, it is non-negotiable, there are no do-overs, there is no appeals court — it is final in an unacceptably and almost incomprehensibly FINAL way.
Because of this, I would like to thank Schlomo. His action, for whatever reason he had for it, forced all of us to look deeply into ourselves; to see each other; to ‘pause’ our daily routines for a moment in order to reconnect with love, beauty, knowledge, pain and grief — to reacknowledge life.
I am selfish, too often I take life for granted, mine and yours.
Schlomo, thank you, you gave me a renewed burst of life and in return I wish for you peace of mind and soul.
Comment by Yoko Jablonski — February 24, 2011 @ 12:15 pm
I hope you’ll continue to write. Please put it on your list of priorities because you are such a good, honest writer.Comment by cheryl taub — February 24, 2011 @ 12:24 pm
I couldn’t agree with you more, negative judgement and ignorance is a killer. Recall cancer in the 50’s; alcoholism in the 60’s; AIDS in the 80’s and currently Bi-Polar which is shaping up to become another social, emotional and intellectual lepracy zone label which might prevent some people from getting treatment.
Call me a cynic, I feel that ‘judging’ is part of our human nature as social creatures and functions to help us evolve, albiet, in a clumsy and painful manner. In order to judge you have to see. It is a beginning.Comment by Yoko Jablonski — February 24, 2011 @ 4:56 pm
Suicide, cancer, fatal accidents, drug or alcohol addiction, Alziehmer’s — whether the exit strategy is acceptable or not does not change the most upsetting element of losing someone talented and loved to death — the loss is the tragedy.
Comment by Yoko Jablonski — February 24, 2011 @ 5:14 pm
I suppose if Schlomo had been polite enough to write a very detailed, easily comprehended, nonfinger-pointing farewell letter that explained everything in a neat little box using a polite font, well, I think more people might have been able to find a comfort zone for themselves, assuage personal guilt and personal fear, grieve for Schlomo and for themselves and then get back to the business of living.
But if Schlomo had been able to write that letter, or had had that conversation, chances are he would still be here on earth with us, fumbling and bumbling forward with the rest of us.Comment by Yoko Jablonski — February 24, 2011 @ 5:24 pm
To me, the most upsetting aspect of death is DEATH.Death is inevitable, like it or not it is the end-game, it is non-negotiable, there are no do-overs, there is no appeals court — it is final in an unacceptably and almost incomprehensibly FINAL way.
Further, I am selfish and simple. I too often take life for granted, mine and yours.
Comment by Yoko Jablonski — February 24, 2011 @ 5:27 pm
Because of this, I would like to thank Schlomo. His action, for whatever reason he had for it, forced all of us to look deeply into ourselves; to see each other; to ‘pause’ our daily routines for a moment in order to reconnect with love, beauty, knowledge, pain and grief — to reacknowledge life.So, Schlomo, I thank you. You gave me a renewed burst of life and in return I wish for you peace of mind and soul.
You have moved on but remain alive in our hearts.
Comment by Yoko Jablonski — February 24, 2011 @ 5:31 pm
Maybe one day we will learn to really celibrate it…
But for now, tears seem to be the best answer..You, dear girl, have a great, soul-filled writing style. Thanks for your thoughts, and to your parents for giving me the link to your intriguing blog.
Comment by Peter Pettler — August 12, 2012 @ 10:18 pm